turning twenty-two

I had intended to compose and post my Syawal blogpost before getting to this – but I'm turning twenty-two on thursday, I need to let out what I need to let out.

right.

recently, I've been recalling a lot of memories that I've had from when I was sixteen years old. that year was a year of immense change for me, and I never knew how far I would grow after the incidents that had happened on that year.

back then, I knew I was going through something, but I just didn't know what. I had gotten closer to several of my classmates, and I let myself be influenced by their presence. not to say that I regretted those friendships – I don't – but perhaps I could've made wiser and smarter decisions.

I disappointed a lot of people, especially myself. but I didn't let that phase me – I kept pushing myself until I snapped. and that was scary. I was taken out of school before the term had ended, but I was given a chance to move on to the next year so that I could complete my IB diploma and graduate from SOTA. initially, I had planned on leaving SOTA and go to Ngee Ann Polytechnic, because they had courses on Early Childhood there. however, our school system would render me unqualified to switch schools just like that.

what with my diagnosis, and the pressure placed on me as a student, I knew that I had to stay strong and fight. not everybody gets second chances, so I was determined to better when I started the school term again as a year 5 student.

of course, my classmates and close friends noticed how different I was.

I became so quiet and distant that the question, "why are you so quiet?" became a daily occurrence. I never answered, for the fear of them not accepting me, and because I didn't want to have to explain myself.

I came clean about my condition to a few friends at first, and after a while, they apologised for asking why I had changed.

several months passed, and I kept my head in my books and studied harder. I did grow complacent after the first semester, but after receiving my results and having consultations with my vice-principals (and several other teachers who knew) – I took it as a wake up call.

it's not easy having to wake up and battle your mind every single day.

six years ago, I was deluded – thinking that I was capable of handling everything while maintaining my grades.

...and this happened again two years ago.

now that I'm re-starting the semester as a year two student, the bitter memories that came before the first time I was a year two student in university have been lingering on my mind too.

my hesitance an indication of my reluctance to share what went down back then – but I've learnt a lot from my past.

1. do not over-commit:

I've been wondering what CCAs I would take up during the next semester, then I realised how packed my schedule is. I'm already working on the weekends, and finishing my diploma in Islamic Studies (I only have two modules to retake and I'll be done!). also, I've promised certain mothers to tutor their children on the weekdays, and I don't go back on my word – especially when it comes to education.

I would love to re-join Aikido again, and maybe even MJ – but it's best that I take it easy this semester. I'll probably just go back to MD if they'll have me.

2. be sincere in your apology:

saying sorry first matters. back in 2015, my pride blinded me to thinking that everything would be alright – despite the errors that I've made. you can't undo what has been done – the best thing you can do is to be sincere in your apology, and to not repeat that mistake again.

we all make mistakes. that's because we're human.

what matters is what we do after that mistake. if we truly want to become better versions of ourselves, then we have to be sincere in our apology, and our actions thereafter.

forgiving ourselves matter too.

there are countless of times that I've thought about a mistake I've made in the past, and regretting it instantly/start feeling remorseful about it – but then I remember that that was in the past – and the past is aways behind you.

say sorry to yourself, then don't repeat that mistake again.

3. letting people go:

there are many times in my life that I've thought about the people who were once close to me, and how utterly enamoured I was with them and their presence in my life. but people come and go, and I have to be okay with that.

I've had to distance myself from overbearing friends/classmates at certain times in my life, and that's okay. everybody has choices and options to make, and them leaving me/us growing apart is a normal part of life.

when life does give us a chance to get back together again, it's up to us to take that chance or to leave.

4. holding onto the people who matter:

after going through what I've gone through in my 21 years of existence, I realise how holding onto the right people matter. these people are the people who encourage you to pursue your dreams, and who confront you because they know that you can grow into a better version of yourself.

5. knowing your limits:

as a continuation to point number one, knowing your limits is important. pushing yourself too hard to complete whatever you need to complete when you're overcommitted can affect your performance as a student.

6. sorting out your priorities:

this is especially important when you have responsibilities to uphold and duties to complete. back then I didn't think much about the deadlines, and simply did what seemed right. I neglected what was crucial, and prioritised the tasks that I would enjoy doing more.

having that sort of mentality/behaviour took it's toll when it came down to final submissions/assignments. when it came to delivering what was expected, I could not deliver to the best of my abilities because I had too little time.

I used to be able to complete what I had to complete as quickly as possible back in freshman year. but we live and we learn, and I've learnt how important it is to set practical expectations on yourself as a student and how time management matters.

7. Allah first, always:

she writes as her last point. but really though – when you put Allah first, there's a lot of hidden blessings that come your way. I thought about including this point as I was praying Asar earlier.

...

now that I have a somewhat better control over my life, I just hope that I can continue being a good/better version of myself: the me who is a daughter, student, writer, teacher/tutor, and friend.

ready to write her next posts,
this girl you call nurul.

ps: with only ten nine days left of july, I'm going to try my best to post the blogposts that I've promised myself to publish this month.
pps: the photos included in this post are those I took back in 2011, back when life was much more simpler for me.

Friends. Change. Letting go.

Today has been a good day so far. I wasn't expecting anything special after countless late nights tossing and turning on my bed thinking about my future. Despite that, my dear friends proved to me how the strength of friendship, trust and faith can overcome even the slightest challenges. To tell you the truth, ever since the incident, I never had faith in anyone, not even myself. Every single opportunity turn into doubt and I never really saw the light in anything. I was careless about my studies, fearful about my condition and unconcerned about my own emotions. I wasn't even bothered about making my own decisions, even if it were right or wrong. I let things happen the way they were, without any concern of the consequences.

I did realise my mistakes and every single time I told myself, "change!" – I would be motivated to do something about it, but it would quickly dwindle down to a hopelessness of knowing that I would never be able to get things right.

I was battling with myself, constantly debating how I could overcome my negative emotions yet, there was that nagging voice in my mind instantly putting down whatever I suggested. Every time there was a glimmer of hope for a positive outlook, that were thoughts on how I would fail no matter how hard I try.

I realised that I was fighting with myself for change. Then I realised that change is not instant. It is not immediate, and it is does not happen within a day, or even a week. During the times when I battled trying to change for the better, it did not last. I wanted my change to be obvious, to be quick, to be praised instantly. I now know why the attempts at turning over a new leaf were futile. I realised;

Change is little steps. You cannot expect everything to change at once. You need to make effort, little or big, one step at time. Change is not a miracle that happens in a matter of seconds; because you have to be your own miracle.

I know I was close to overcoming that pessimistic side of me. I have always been an optimist, since I was a child and I let that incident affect that part of me. I was tired of being unconcerned about my studies. I was tired of always over-thinking about what others may talk about behind my back. Why should I worry if people are talking about me? For all I know, I might have misinterpreted them, they might have been concerned about me...or (maybe) even noticing potential in me to be a better person.

I don't want to worry about those things anymore. I don't want to be someone who couldn't care less about where her worksheets were or whether I blatantly copied ideas off the internet.

If I wanted to change my situation, it starts with myself.


Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. had said (something along these lines)

"If you want to change the world, change yourself, reform yourself and call the people to the same process"

Change starts from within. And I knew I needed to deal with the aftermath of the incident. It was quite painful for me at first, coming to a realisation of how it was during that time. But I learned to quickly move on from the past. It is so unhealthy to dwell on past mistakes that have been long gone forgotten or forgiven. I had a habit of clinging on to sad or embarrassing moments that I know people would have forgotten by now.

I learnt, and I am still learning, of how to let go of all these past memories that I have clung on to in these past few years.

I also came to terms with my insecurity regarding myself around my friends. I know for sure, that my friends accept me for who I am, regardless my condition and now I truly know;

strength;
our bond will never tear apart. We will always stand by each other, through thick and thin. We can overcome any obstacles as long as we're together.

trust;
I shouldn't be afraid of telling you my problems. Bottling up my emotions and struggles is never healthy, and our friendship will always know that we will be there for each other. To console, support or advice; we will always be there for one another. I now know that running away from any trouble is the worst thing to do. I am ever thankful for your listening ears.

faith & fate;
our fates are up to us to determine. With the support and encouragement from friends like you, I know my future is bright. I have complete faith in our friendship, and even though next year is probably the last year we may ever see each other, our kindness, laughter and memories will forever remain in our hearts

♥

No amount of words can express the amount of gratitude I have for these wonderful people I call "friends". Please know that I love you, sincerely and from my heart.

– nurul