closure.

to my beloved sweethearts that have been following by blogs, and leaving such kind messages on my social media, thank you for being human. I do hope that you live a positive and healthy life, filled with laughter, love and light in your heart.

I will not be posting any more until mid 2017.

I do hope you understand, and perhaps, you’ll find my writing, elsewhere.

These past months have been trying on myself, and the people around me. I couldn’t be more grateful.

I came out from the storm stronger than before.

Whatever life throws at you, just know that, it does get better. Free your mind from negative thoughts, and love yourself for getting out of bed, living the life that you have been given. You are responsible for your actions, and thoughts. Whatever bothering is temporary. This world, is temporary. This life, is temporary.

Choose to live the life that you will be proud of.

You are strong.

You are brave.

You are treasured.

The saying, “Be yourself. Everyone is already taken”, rings with truth. There so many people we meet in life, that you fall in love with, or out of love with; only to learn more about yourself, and your own strengths.

Be yourself. Love yourself first, then everything falls into place. A little love goes a long way. Dare to tell yourself, “I am sorry. I love you.”

I am just one girl.

Every morning, I wake up, twice as strong.

I look at my hands, and see the glistening, shimmering pearls within my grasp;

And I am three times more braver than the girl I was yesterday.

Find me elsewhere:

i.  my tumblr pages (nurbzee.tumblr.com, dawahthrudrawings.tumblr.com)

ii. ask.fm (still active)

iii. my instagram 

iv. my twitter

TO MY BEAUTIFUL ADMERS AND MUSIC DISTRICT PEEPS:

How do I even put this into words? I am forever grateful for your infinite patience and guidance. You are honest and provide such well thought out and succinct feedback. With every mistake I make, you are quick to correct me, and praise me for my bravery. I keep tripping, yet you never fail to catch me (but laughing at me first). Your dedication and commitment are inspiring. I strive to be as passionate and driven as you brilliant gems. And oh, our inside jokes and banter. Tonight, I finally internalise that there are people around me that will be there for me, no matter how busy we are. I sincerely hope that our friendship lasts  beyond graduation. No amount of words can truly express my gratefulness.

The whole day today, I was celebrated, valued and appreciated. You never left me hanging and made me feel like I was someone who had something of value to contribute. My suggestions and comments do not go unnoticed, and I am treated as equally as the rest of you, although I’ve only just joined the band.

I hope to make you proud one day (and myself too, of course).

"in 4 years, you'll be a year two uni student"

...if I heard these words when I was 16, I'd break down in gratitude.

Back in 2011, I suffered a major backlash, both in academics and emotional stability. Needless to say, it affected my self-esteem and confidence by heaps. I couldn't be bothered to carry on in life. I despised every single morning I woke up again. I didn't want my life. I didn't want to surround myself with people every day. I didn't ask for this. Nobody asked me if I could have this. Nobody should have to go through this, ever.

Relapse after relapse, I distanced myself away from the people who cared for me. I withdrew myself from everyone I knew and was instantly silenced, my voice drowned out by my own sorrow. My sadness came in waves, then tides, leaving me with no air to breathe. I couldn't swim and my legs refused to kick. My lungs shut down, dismissing my cries of oxygen. I didn't want this life. Anytime someone came hoping to rescue me, I'd force myself to sink down, lower and lower until they couldn't see me anymore.

I didn't want to be saved.

"Leave me to drown. It's not like I'm getting anywhere if I survive, anyway."

Oh no, no, no.

If I could find my sixteen year old self, I'd embrace her, tell her it's not her fault, no. You're not weak for crying. Relapse is part of recovery. You say you're not strong enough, but you'll be the strongest you've ever been. You can choose to live. Every single day is a new chance for you to grow stronger, and you will, you will, you will. You'll graduate. Your family love you. Your friends love you. You tell me they don't care, but they think of you every day. Can't you see how they're hurting seeing you like this? You say you don't care, but you do. You need to breathe and be brave. For yourself, no one else, but you.

She would have never believed, she'd jump 10 whole points when she receives her IB diploma. Two years of pain, tears and stress. It will be worth it, so worth it in the end. A university will offer her a place in their school. She'll meet new friends, who are beautiful, talented, supportive, and she'll learn that she was never alone. She has never been alone. Everyone has fought their battle. Like her, they've won.

The first year will be tough. You will suffer panic attacks. Some teachers are mean, but there are teachers who genuinely care. There will be friends who will not want your friendship, but there will be friends who will more than just your friends. They'll be your family. They'll see you cry, and no, you're not weak for crying. They know what you're going through. You'll see that you have never been alone. Not once.

Not ever.

In four years, Nurulhuda, in four years, you'll be in a place that you have never imagined to be. You've got people who admire your work. You've got friends and family who love and accept you for who you are, flaws, tears, scars and all. Your imperfections are beautiful. You'll finally accept that. You'll finally accept you.

Stay strong. Stay strong forever, and always, my love. I only have you in this life.

I love you.

Remember that.

A massive thank you to my friends, new, and old that I've met on my journey. It was a tough journey, without a doubt, and without your incredible support, I would have probably given up a long time ago. All your words have mattered more than you'll ever know. I may not have thanked you personally, but know that I love each and every one of you for the little things that you do. A kind word, a pat on my shoulder, a reassuring smile, a supportive message, long heart-to-heart chats, random gifts for no occasion. Every single gesture has not gone unnoticed. I truly appreciate everything that you have done, even though you've seen me at my worst. Even when I push you away, you never hesitate to welcome me back into your arms. You are the gems that I want to keep. Thank you. No amount of words will ever repay my eternal gratitude for your presence in my life.

best day ever

Well, I've just had the best day of my life so far this year. Honestly, after IB exams, I've just been moping around doing...not much. Sure, I went out for events/outings that I was invited to, but it absolutely cannot compare to today. (Prom was something else altogether- and that's a whole different blog post (; )

Anyway, Dhania invited me to work out with her. And when I received her text first, those two words were so foreign to me that I could not refuse. I haven't had a proper physical exercise session in like, forever. I was ecstatic to finally work out/run/do proper physical exercise and you know, meet that guy (read: her guy).

We were also planning Eunice's birthday surprise simultaneously- and we might all make it! All of us! DENZ! So yesterday, I worked on a scrapbook notebook (personally, I think that its the best type of hand-crafted present I've made so far! I did one for Syaza too, but that'll be another post).

Friendship is like the aroma of fresh coffee that entails admiration, trust, love & good memories.

I seriously love this quote- because I find it so true! I don't drink coffee, but I absolutely love the smell of it. I can just sit in Starbucks and not order anything because the atmosphere and aroma of coffee makes me feel so calm and happy. And the funny coincidence is, both Eunice and Muhaimin are/will be working at Coffee Bean! So, how appropriate is this quote?! Hahah.

As most scrappies/scrapbookers would know, once you start, you can't stop. Nope. I have this scrapbooking drive. Hahaha! I hate to leave a scrapbook project unfinished. (Unless it was major, like the scrap boards I did for my literature IB assessment- Individual Oral Presentation.) Anyway, I stayed up until 3.45 am to finish it. Honestly, I could have finished it about half an hour earlier, but there were several problems that came up :/ (darn you inkjet printing! now my photos have icky- but apparently unnoticeable- smudges)

So I slept until Subuh (I woke up at 6.30-ish). Actually I didn't even feel like sleeping because it was a whole "whats the point in sleeping aghjgaksfjkl" kind of situation, but since I was going to work out the next day- or later in morning, rather- I had to sleep. I slept again after I prayed, setting an alarm for 7.30 am so I could get ready. But nope, I slept in past the alarm (duh. I mean, you don't even have to know me to guess that pffsht) We were planning to meet at Woodlands MRT at 9.15 am - 9.30 am. And Dhania called me at 8.30 am! It takes at least 45 mins from AMK to there.

D: Hey Nurul...are you leaving soon?

N: *in the best I-am-indeed-awake voice* Yeah! I'm just getting ready...

D: Oh...okay. So see you at Woodlands MRT at 9.15?

N: Uh, *internal panic*, 9.15 to 9.30-ish?

D: Ok, ok. See you!

Then I ran around my house like a headless chicken because I hadn't packed before I slept! But here comes the irony...

I was the first to reach Woodlands Stadium

- Dhania and Syahmi arrived at 10.20

- And Muhaimin arrived...an hour later

*insert roll-eyes here*

Anyway, Syahmi wasted no time at all to get us started on the stretching, and subsequently drills. And ohmigoodness, he is such a motivator. Even though I was being all "I dunwanna" to some of the drills, he was so tolerant and patient towards me.

S: Okay, now inclined pull-ups!

N: Noooo, I'm terrible at that. Anything but that.

S: Come on, at least 10?

N: Noh

S: 5! Do 5!

Well, he got me to those inclined pull-ups (thanks, Dhania! You helped me to do 5! That's a record!) And he would yell/cheer(?): "COME ON, HUDA! 2 MORE! 1 MORE!"

And the thing about my name is, "Huda" is used only for family members or majorly close friends. But according to D, and I too agree- it sounded natural. And I didn't even ask him to call me "Nurul" instead like I usually do to people I've just met. (:

Oh, also I ran! Yay! Out of all the exercise sports- I love, love, love running. It felt so freeing to run properly again.

>>> Fast forward to Muhaimin finally arriving, and Dhania and I finish our drills and head for the showers

Man, oh man, did we talk then! I'm so happy for Dhania. (In conclusion: he is definitely a keeper)

And then Dhania had a little situation...hehehhehe I will forever remember it. :P

Then we all went to Al-iman for lunch! 

Photo credits: Dhania

The boys got egg prata, D got mee bandung and I got cockles fried kway teow

Everything was so delicious! I've never been a fan of mee bandung but that mee bandung made me LOVE it. The kway teow (I've been having kway teow 2 days in row, and today makes it 3!) was so delicious. But the cockles were a major let-down, though! If I would have known, I would go for my usual chicken or seafood :/

Since we were already at the complex (its like a tuition hub...idk, like civic centre kind of?), we decided that we should just shop for the cupcake/muffin and the decorating ingredients at the Fairprice there. On our way, we passed a Pets Lovers Centre and we cooed at the animals like "jakun" people. (jakun → like never seen before kind of reaction). And the funny thing is, the workers were grooming/feeding the pets so, obviously, they could hear us talking behind the glass (we were standing outside because a certain person still had their Drink! Not saying names but you know, Drink). Muhaimin even did a voice-over a guinea pig which was so accurate/funny that you would really think the guinea pig was saying it.

M: *doing voice-over*

D&N: *laughing*

M: ...do you think they can hear us?

N: Obviously!

*we all walk away laughing, embarrassed but amused*

I find that the whole situation would have made for a rather hilarious Vine!

After shopping (and much "kacau-ing" from me and Muhaimin to the other two) we found a quiet spot near a block of flats to decorate the muffins (no cupcakes, meh) and do the notebook messages. But Dhania had a curfew, so being a sweet guy that Syahmi was, walked her home. Pffsht.

Well.

Throughout the course of almost 2 hours, I learnt a lot. Of course, I can't possibly list down all the details but here's a conversation that stood out.

N: *sighs* All of you (referring to DENZ) are attached and everything, and then there's me.

M: That's because you're our most precious one! *pats my shoulder*

N: Aw, really?

M: Yeah.

In short, I feel relieved more than anything. I was kind of expecting it when he told me the "big news" anyway. But I'm so happy for all of you, DENZ! May your relationships last long and help us build our friendship stronger (as has been demonstrated by today, clearly (: )

Back to the muffin-turn-them-into-cupcakes situation, that icing tube was so not cooperating with me! Good thing we bought two white icing tubes! I still have pink food colouring on my hands as I'm typing now.

It took me much longer than I'd planned...because of the humidity, that stupid white icing tube #1 and we were short on HELPERS. But all was well.

Then Muhaimin and I had to rush to Syahmi's place to pray Zuhr. Thanks for laying out the sejadah and telokong for me Syahmi! Actually I had my own, but it was really nice of you to, because we were rushing. YOU'RE GREAT! :3 His house was so cosy that I felt so sleepy. And that was pretty obvious since Syahmi said, "You look so tired" like, 3 times. Hahah. (And we left the muffins-now-poorly-disguised-as-cupcakes at his house, too)

Anyway, today was beyond amazing. And there's still tomorrow to look forward to! Now I just have to finish the notebook and make scrappy cards for my beloved DENZ, since I'll be meeting every single of them tomorrow! *gasp* *le excites!*

Stay inspired,
Nurul xx

ps: Syahmi's cat and brother are so adorable! (:

Friends. Change. Letting go.

Today has been a good day so far. I wasn't expecting anything special after countless late nights tossing and turning on my bed thinking about my future. Despite that, my dear friends proved to me how the strength of friendship, trust and faith can overcome even the slightest challenges. To tell you the truth, ever since the incident, I never had faith in anyone, not even myself. Every single opportunity turn into doubt and I never really saw the light in anything. I was careless about my studies, fearful about my condition and unconcerned about my own emotions. I wasn't even bothered about making my own decisions, even if it were right or wrong. I let things happen the way they were, without any concern of the consequences.

I did realise my mistakes and every single time I told myself, "change!" – I would be motivated to do something about it, but it would quickly dwindle down to a hopelessness of knowing that I would never be able to get things right.

I was battling with myself, constantly debating how I could overcome my negative emotions yet, there was that nagging voice in my mind instantly putting down whatever I suggested. Every time there was a glimmer of hope for a positive outlook, that were thoughts on how I would fail no matter how hard I try.

I realised that I was fighting with myself for change. Then I realised that change is not instant. It is not immediate, and it is does not happen within a day, or even a week. During the times when I battled trying to change for the better, it did not last. I wanted my change to be obvious, to be quick, to be praised instantly. I now know why the attempts at turning over a new leaf were futile. I realised;

Change is little steps. You cannot expect everything to change at once. You need to make effort, little or big, one step at time. Change is not a miracle that happens in a matter of seconds; because you have to be your own miracle.

I know I was close to overcoming that pessimistic side of me. I have always been an optimist, since I was a child and I let that incident affect that part of me. I was tired of being unconcerned about my studies. I was tired of always over-thinking about what others may talk about behind my back. Why should I worry if people are talking about me? For all I know, I might have misinterpreted them, they might have been concerned about me...or (maybe) even noticing potential in me to be a better person.

I don't want to worry about those things anymore. I don't want to be someone who couldn't care less about where her worksheets were or whether I blatantly copied ideas off the internet.

If I wanted to change my situation, it starts with myself.


Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. had said (something along these lines)

"If you want to change the world, change yourself, reform yourself and call the people to the same process"

Change starts from within. And I knew I needed to deal with the aftermath of the incident. It was quite painful for me at first, coming to a realisation of how it was during that time. But I learned to quickly move on from the past. It is so unhealthy to dwell on past mistakes that have been long gone forgotten or forgiven. I had a habit of clinging on to sad or embarrassing moments that I know people would have forgotten by now.

I learnt, and I am still learning, of how to let go of all these past memories that I have clung on to in these past few years.

I also came to terms with my insecurity regarding myself around my friends. I know for sure, that my friends accept me for who I am, regardless my condition and now I truly know;

strength;
our bond will never tear apart. We will always stand by each other, through thick and thin. We can overcome any obstacles as long as we're together.

trust;
I shouldn't be afraid of telling you my problems. Bottling up my emotions and struggles is never healthy, and our friendship will always know that we will be there for each other. To console, support or advice; we will always be there for one another. I now know that running away from any trouble is the worst thing to do. I am ever thankful for your listening ears.

faith & fate;
our fates are up to us to determine. With the support and encouragement from friends like you, I know my future is bright. I have complete faith in our friendship, and even though next year is probably the last year we may ever see each other, our kindness, laughter and memories will forever remain in our hearts

♥

No amount of words can express the amount of gratitude I have for these wonderful people I call "friends". Please know that I love you, sincerely and from my heart.

– nurul