Reaching July

how is it the seventh month of the year already? the year I turn twenty-two (although I already am twenty-two in the islamic calendar) has been really amazing and meaningful so far. by the time I reached july, I thought I would have been done with all the stories (including the illustrations/covers) that I owe my publishers, I'll be re-starting the next semester as a year two student in NTU, ADM, and I'll be (I was about to write financially stable) pocket strong (as one of my auntie besties/ex-colleague from Singapore Art Museum once told me).

I wrote a letter to june, and I wanted it to be month of healing. it was, and I am so, so grateful. growing up isn't easy – but I made it out alive and well. my education/academic path seems uncertain for now, and that's fine. after explaining my situation to a closer soul sister from school, she assured me, "...and don't worry, there's more than just one path in life. isn't that what makes life interesting."

that's true.

I may not even be graduating from NTU, and that's okay.

I've been recalling conversations that I had with my foundation classmates during freshman year – and how several classmates had to struggle with their pre-tertiary education before attaining a spot in university.

I always told them how I never wanted to be in ADM, because I never wanted to pursue a degree in the arts.

"six years in SOTA was enough. I grew to hate what I love, and to take a bachelors degree in the arts was the last thing I wanted to do."

but back then I had limited options. my international baccalaureate diploma score wasn't the most amazing – yet, I was offered a spot in this school – so I accepted it. initially, I wanted to take my diploma in Early Childhood Education/Psychology at Ngee Ann Poly, then continue taking my bachelor's degree in Early Childhood Education at Singapore Institute of Technology (because the IB diploma could not qualify for the course offered at SIT).

now there is an option to pursue what I've always wanted to: a bachelor's degree in Early Childhood at Singapore University of Social Sciences.

I suppose that the events that have unfolded in my life so far can be taken as blessings in disguise. when I had my Girls Day In with my closer girlfriends from SOTA, one of them told me that my parent's decision to make me continue my tertiary education locally was a good thing. I know how advanced the Early Childhood Education scene is in Sydney and Melbourne – but my parents discouraged me from applying to overseas university for the sake of my mental health.

back when we were SOTA students and attaining our IB diploma was our priority (because we only had our PSLE and a "completion-of-four-years-secondary-education" certificate), my girls disliked that I wanted to go to a polytechnic, instead of a university.

"no, you would already have a diploma – so you should just further your studies in a university!"

when I got my results I was pleased with my progress – but I had certain conversations that brought my self-esteem down (leading to my severe depression, and the panic/anxiety attacks that came with it). I was so upset when ADM offered me a place in their school, but grateful, so I followed my parents advice and took it.

of course, I was overcome by insecurities by my fear of the unknown, but having heard stories from the people I met during my freshman orientation camp eased my state of being. we confided in each other and I learnt how they too, had to overcome their fair share of struggles to get to where they want to be.

if I hadn't gone to university, I wouldn't have met the people who become my friends. these strangers who share their load and burdens with me because we grow to trust each other inevitably become my family. and of course, I've had to come to terms with the people who have made the choice to leave me.

looking back at my life, and at the people who have come and gone – I can say for certain that everything does happen for a reason. whether that reason is clear to us or not (or the truth behind those reasons will be revealed eventually), everything in life has shaped us into the people that we are today.

I still remember the words I've read on the pages/wordpress/blogs from other individuals who have made an impact on my life as a fellow writer and human being. we've all changed – sometimes those changes are more obvious, while other changes that we observe are more subtle.

change is the only constant in this life, and it's necessary for growth.

we all have it in us to change ourselves for the better.

this Ramadan has certainly taught me how much I need to work on myself. the things I wanted to get done were finished – but there are things that I've yet to complete. we all have our limitations, flaws, and imperfections – those are the qualities that make us human.

this is the first of several blog posts I will be publishing this month (for I am swamped with writing at the moment). look out for the next few: those specifically for Syawal, and others based on the conversations I've had around love.

homesick for the warmth of my soul family,

this writer still writing,

nurulhuda.

"in 4 years, you'll be a year two uni student"

...if I heard these words when I was 16, I'd break down in gratitude.

Back in 2011, I suffered a major backlash, both in academics and emotional stability. Needless to say, it affected my self-esteem and confidence by heaps. I couldn't be bothered to carry on in life. I despised every single morning I woke up again. I didn't want my life. I didn't want to surround myself with people every day. I didn't ask for this. Nobody asked me if I could have this. Nobody should have to go through this, ever.

Relapse after relapse, I distanced myself away from the people who cared for me. I withdrew myself from everyone I knew and was instantly silenced, my voice drowned out by my own sorrow. My sadness came in waves, then tides, leaving me with no air to breathe. I couldn't swim and my legs refused to kick. My lungs shut down, dismissing my cries of oxygen. I didn't want this life. Anytime someone came hoping to rescue me, I'd force myself to sink down, lower and lower until they couldn't see me anymore.

I didn't want to be saved.

"Leave me to drown. It's not like I'm getting anywhere if I survive, anyway."

Oh no, no, no.

If I could find my sixteen year old self, I'd embrace her, tell her it's not her fault, no. You're not weak for crying. Relapse is part of recovery. You say you're not strong enough, but you'll be the strongest you've ever been. You can choose to live. Every single day is a new chance for you to grow stronger, and you will, you will, you will. You'll graduate. Your family love you. Your friends love you. You tell me they don't care, but they think of you every day. Can't you see how they're hurting seeing you like this? You say you don't care, but you do. You need to breathe and be brave. For yourself, no one else, but you.

She would have never believed, she'd jump 10 whole points when she receives her IB diploma. Two years of pain, tears and stress. It will be worth it, so worth it in the end. A university will offer her a place in their school. She'll meet new friends, who are beautiful, talented, supportive, and she'll learn that she was never alone. She has never been alone. Everyone has fought their battle. Like her, they've won.

The first year will be tough. You will suffer panic attacks. Some teachers are mean, but there are teachers who genuinely care. There will be friends who will not want your friendship, but there will be friends who will more than just your friends. They'll be your family. They'll see you cry, and no, you're not weak for crying. They know what you're going through. You'll see that you have never been alone. Not once.

Not ever.

In four years, Nurulhuda, in four years, you'll be in a place that you have never imagined to be. You've got people who admire your work. You've got friends and family who love and accept you for who you are, flaws, tears, scars and all. Your imperfections are beautiful. You'll finally accept that. You'll finally accept you.

Stay strong. Stay strong forever, and always, my love. I only have you in this life.

I love you.

Remember that.

A massive thank you to my friends, new, and old that I've met on my journey. It was a tough journey, without a doubt, and without your incredible support, I would have probably given up a long time ago. All your words have mattered more than you'll ever know. I may not have thanked you personally, but know that I love each and every one of you for the little things that you do. A kind word, a pat on my shoulder, a reassuring smile, a supportive message, long heart-to-heart chats, random gifts for no occasion. Every single gesture has not gone unnoticed. I truly appreciate everything that you have done, even though you've seen me at my worst. Even when I push you away, you never hesitate to welcome me back into your arms. You are the gems that I want to keep. Thank you. No amount of words will ever repay my eternal gratitude for your presence in my life.

Friends. Change. Letting go.

Today has been a good day so far. I wasn't expecting anything special after countless late nights tossing and turning on my bed thinking about my future. Despite that, my dear friends proved to me how the strength of friendship, trust and faith can overcome even the slightest challenges. To tell you the truth, ever since the incident, I never had faith in anyone, not even myself. Every single opportunity turn into doubt and I never really saw the light in anything. I was careless about my studies, fearful about my condition and unconcerned about my own emotions. I wasn't even bothered about making my own decisions, even if it were right or wrong. I let things happen the way they were, without any concern of the consequences.

I did realise my mistakes and every single time I told myself, "change!" – I would be motivated to do something about it, but it would quickly dwindle down to a hopelessness of knowing that I would never be able to get things right.

I was battling with myself, constantly debating how I could overcome my negative emotions yet, there was that nagging voice in my mind instantly putting down whatever I suggested. Every time there was a glimmer of hope for a positive outlook, that were thoughts on how I would fail no matter how hard I try.

I realised that I was fighting with myself for change. Then I realised that change is not instant. It is not immediate, and it is does not happen within a day, or even a week. During the times when I battled trying to change for the better, it did not last. I wanted my change to be obvious, to be quick, to be praised instantly. I now know why the attempts at turning over a new leaf were futile. I realised;

Change is little steps. You cannot expect everything to change at once. You need to make effort, little or big, one step at time. Change is not a miracle that happens in a matter of seconds; because you have to be your own miracle.

I know I was close to overcoming that pessimistic side of me. I have always been an optimist, since I was a child and I let that incident affect that part of me. I was tired of being unconcerned about my studies. I was tired of always over-thinking about what others may talk about behind my back. Why should I worry if people are talking about me? For all I know, I might have misinterpreted them, they might have been concerned about me...or (maybe) even noticing potential in me to be a better person.

I don't want to worry about those things anymore. I don't want to be someone who couldn't care less about where her worksheets were or whether I blatantly copied ideas off the internet.

If I wanted to change my situation, it starts with myself.


Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. had said (something along these lines)

"If you want to change the world, change yourself, reform yourself and call the people to the same process"

Change starts from within. And I knew I needed to deal with the aftermath of the incident. It was quite painful for me at first, coming to a realisation of how it was during that time. But I learned to quickly move on from the past. It is so unhealthy to dwell on past mistakes that have been long gone forgotten or forgiven. I had a habit of clinging on to sad or embarrassing moments that I know people would have forgotten by now.

I learnt, and I am still learning, of how to let go of all these past memories that I have clung on to in these past few years.

I also came to terms with my insecurity regarding myself around my friends. I know for sure, that my friends accept me for who I am, regardless my condition and now I truly know;

strength;
our bond will never tear apart. We will always stand by each other, through thick and thin. We can overcome any obstacles as long as we're together.

trust;
I shouldn't be afraid of telling you my problems. Bottling up my emotions and struggles is never healthy, and our friendship will always know that we will be there for each other. To console, support or advice; we will always be there for one another. I now know that running away from any trouble is the worst thing to do. I am ever thankful for your listening ears.

faith & fate;
our fates are up to us to determine. With the support and encouragement from friends like you, I know my future is bright. I have complete faith in our friendship, and even though next year is probably the last year we may ever see each other, our kindness, laughter and memories will forever remain in our hearts

♥

No amount of words can express the amount of gratitude I have for these wonderful people I call "friends". Please know that I love you, sincerely and from my heart.

– nurul