turning twenty-two

I had intended to compose and post my Syawal blogpost before getting to this – but I'm turning twenty-two on thursday, I need to let out what I need to let out.

right.

recently, I've been recalling a lot of memories that I've had from when I was sixteen years old. that year was a year of immense change for me, and I never knew how far I would grow after the incidents that had happened on that year.

back then, I knew I was going through something, but I just didn't know what. I had gotten closer to several of my classmates, and I let myself be influenced by their presence. not to say that I regretted those friendships – I don't – but perhaps I could've made wiser and smarter decisions.

I disappointed a lot of people, especially myself. but I didn't let that phase me – I kept pushing myself until I snapped. and that was scary. I was taken out of school before the term had ended, but I was given a chance to move on to the next year so that I could complete my IB diploma and graduate from SOTA. initially, I had planned on leaving SOTA and go to Ngee Ann Polytechnic, because they had courses on Early Childhood there. however, our school system would render me unqualified to switch schools just like that.

what with my diagnosis, and the pressure placed on me as a student, I knew that I had to stay strong and fight. not everybody gets second chances, so I was determined to better when I started the school term again as a year 5 student.

of course, my classmates and close friends noticed how different I was.

I became so quiet and distant that the question, "why are you so quiet?" became a daily occurrence. I never answered, for the fear of them not accepting me, and because I didn't want to have to explain myself.

I came clean about my condition to a few friends at first, and after a while, they apologised for asking why I had changed.

several months passed, and I kept my head in my books and studied harder. I did grow complacent after the first semester, but after receiving my results and having consultations with my vice-principals (and several other teachers who knew) – I took it as a wake up call.

it's not easy having to wake up and battle your mind every single day.

six years ago, I was deluded – thinking that I was capable of handling everything while maintaining my grades.

...and this happened again two years ago.

now that I'm re-starting the semester as a year two student, the bitter memories that came before the first time I was a year two student in university have been lingering on my mind too.

my hesitance an indication of my reluctance to share what went down back then – but I've learnt a lot from my past.

1. do not over-commit:

I've been wondering what CCAs I would take up during the next semester, then I realised how packed my schedule is. I'm already working on the weekends, and finishing my diploma in Islamic Studies (I only have two modules to retake and I'll be done!). also, I've promised certain mothers to tutor their children on the weekdays, and I don't go back on my word – especially when it comes to education.

I would love to re-join Aikido again, and maybe even MJ – but it's best that I take it easy this semester. I'll probably just go back to MD if they'll have me.

2. be sincere in your apology:

saying sorry first matters. back in 2015, my pride blinded me to thinking that everything would be alright – despite the errors that I've made. you can't undo what has been done – the best thing you can do is to be sincere in your apology, and to not repeat that mistake again.

we all make mistakes. that's because we're human.

what matters is what we do after that mistake. if we truly want to become better versions of ourselves, then we have to be sincere in our apology, and our actions thereafter.

forgiving ourselves matter too.

there are countless of times that I've thought about a mistake I've made in the past, and regretting it instantly/start feeling remorseful about it – but then I remember that that was in the past – and the past is aways behind you.

say sorry to yourself, then don't repeat that mistake again.

3. letting people go:

there are many times in my life that I've thought about the people who were once close to me, and how utterly enamoured I was with them and their presence in my life. but people come and go, and I have to be okay with that.

I've had to distance myself from overbearing friends/classmates at certain times in my life, and that's okay. everybody has choices and options to make, and them leaving me/us growing apart is a normal part of life.

when life does give us a chance to get back together again, it's up to us to take that chance or to leave.

4. holding onto the people who matter:

after going through what I've gone through in my 21 years of existence, I realise how holding onto the right people matter. these people are the people who encourage you to pursue your dreams, and who confront you because they know that you can grow into a better version of yourself.

5. knowing your limits:

as a continuation to point number one, knowing your limits is important. pushing yourself too hard to complete whatever you need to complete when you're overcommitted can affect your performance as a student.

6. sorting out your priorities:

this is especially important when you have responsibilities to uphold and duties to complete. back then I didn't think much about the deadlines, and simply did what seemed right. I neglected what was crucial, and prioritised the tasks that I would enjoy doing more.

having that sort of mentality/behaviour took it's toll when it came down to final submissions/assignments. when it came to delivering what was expected, I could not deliver to the best of my abilities because I had too little time.

I used to be able to complete what I had to complete as quickly as possible back in freshman year. but we live and we learn, and I've learnt how important it is to set practical expectations on yourself as a student and how time management matters.

7. Allah first, always:

she writes as her last point. but really though – when you put Allah first, there's a lot of hidden blessings that come your way. I thought about including this point as I was praying Asar earlier.

...

now that I have a somewhat better control over my life, I just hope that I can continue being a good/better version of myself: the me who is a daughter, student, writer, teacher/tutor, and friend.

ready to write her next posts,
this girl you call nurul.

ps: with only ten nine days left of july, I'm going to try my best to post the blogposts that I've promised myself to publish this month.
pps: the photos included in this post are those I took back in 2011, back when life was much more simpler for me.

Reaching July

how is it the seventh month of the year already? the year I turn twenty-two (although I already am twenty-two in the islamic calendar) has been really amazing and meaningful so far. by the time I reached july, I thought I would have been done with all the stories (including the illustrations/covers) that I owe my publishers, I'll be re-starting the next semester as a year two student in NTU, ADM, and I'll be (I was about to write financially stable) pocket strong (as one of my auntie besties/ex-colleague from Singapore Art Museum once told me).

I wrote a letter to june, and I wanted it to be month of healing. it was, and I am so, so grateful. growing up isn't easy – but I made it out alive and well. my education/academic path seems uncertain for now, and that's fine. after explaining my situation to a closer soul sister from school, she assured me, "...and don't worry, there's more than just one path in life. isn't that what makes life interesting."

that's true.

I may not even be graduating from NTU, and that's okay.

I've been recalling conversations that I had with my foundation classmates during freshman year – and how several classmates had to struggle with their pre-tertiary education before attaining a spot in university.

I always told them how I never wanted to be in ADM, because I never wanted to pursue a degree in the arts.

"six years in SOTA was enough. I grew to hate what I love, and to take a bachelors degree in the arts was the last thing I wanted to do."

but back then I had limited options. my international baccalaureate diploma score wasn't the most amazing – yet, I was offered a spot in this school – so I accepted it. initially, I wanted to take my diploma in Early Childhood Education/Psychology at Ngee Ann Poly, then continue taking my bachelor's degree in Early Childhood Education at Singapore Institute of Technology (because the IB diploma could not qualify for the course offered at SIT).

now there is an option to pursue what I've always wanted to: a bachelor's degree in Early Childhood at Singapore University of Social Sciences.

I suppose that the events that have unfolded in my life so far can be taken as blessings in disguise. when I had my Girls Day In with my closer girlfriends from SOTA, one of them told me that my parent's decision to make me continue my tertiary education locally was a good thing. I know how advanced the Early Childhood Education scene is in Sydney and Melbourne – but my parents discouraged me from applying to overseas university for the sake of my mental health.

back when we were SOTA students and attaining our IB diploma was our priority (because we only had our PSLE and a "completion-of-four-years-secondary-education" certificate), my girls disliked that I wanted to go to a polytechnic, instead of a university.

"no, you would already have a diploma – so you should just further your studies in a university!"

when I got my results I was pleased with my progress – but I had certain conversations that brought my self-esteem down (leading to my severe depression, and the panic/anxiety attacks that came with it). I was so upset when ADM offered me a place in their school, but grateful, so I followed my parents advice and took it.

of course, I was overcome by insecurities by my fear of the unknown, but having heard stories from the people I met during my freshman orientation camp eased my state of being. we confided in each other and I learnt how they too, had to overcome their fair share of struggles to get to where they want to be.

if I hadn't gone to university, I wouldn't have met the people who become my friends. these strangers who share their load and burdens with me because we grow to trust each other inevitably become my family. and of course, I've had to come to terms with the people who have made the choice to leave me.

looking back at my life, and at the people who have come and gone – I can say for certain that everything does happen for a reason. whether that reason is clear to us or not (or the truth behind those reasons will be revealed eventually), everything in life has shaped us into the people that we are today.

I still remember the words I've read on the pages/wordpress/blogs from other individuals who have made an impact on my life as a fellow writer and human being. we've all changed – sometimes those changes are more obvious, while other changes that we observe are more subtle.

change is the only constant in this life, and it's necessary for growth.

we all have it in us to change ourselves for the better.

this Ramadan has certainly taught me how much I need to work on myself. the things I wanted to get done were finished – but there are things that I've yet to complete. we all have our limitations, flaws, and imperfections – those are the qualities that make us human.

this is the first of several blog posts I will be publishing this month (for I am swamped with writing at the moment). look out for the next few: those specifically for Syawal, and others based on the conversations I've had around love.

homesick for the warmth of my soul family,

this writer still writing,

nurulhuda.

closure.

to my beloved sweethearts that have been following by blogs, and leaving such kind messages on my social media, thank you for being human. I do hope that you live a positive and healthy life, filled with laughter, love and light in your heart.

I will not be posting any more until mid 2017.

I do hope you understand, and perhaps, you’ll find my writing, elsewhere.

These past months have been trying on myself, and the people around me. I couldn’t be more grateful.

I came out from the storm stronger than before.

Whatever life throws at you, just know that, it does get better. Free your mind from negative thoughts, and love yourself for getting out of bed, living the life that you have been given. You are responsible for your actions, and thoughts. Whatever bothering is temporary. This world, is temporary. This life, is temporary.

Choose to live the life that you will be proud of.

You are strong.

You are brave.

You are treasured.

The saying, “Be yourself. Everyone is already taken”, rings with truth. There so many people we meet in life, that you fall in love with, or out of love with; only to learn more about yourself, and your own strengths.

Be yourself. Love yourself first, then everything falls into place. A little love goes a long way. Dare to tell yourself, “I am sorry. I love you.”

I am just one girl.

Every morning, I wake up, twice as strong.

I look at my hands, and see the glistening, shimmering pearls within my grasp;

And I am three times more braver than the girl I was yesterday.

Find me elsewhere:

i.  my tumblr pages (nurbzee.tumblr.com, dawahthrudrawings.tumblr.com)

ii. ask.fm (still active)

iii. my instagram 

iv. my twitter

TO MY BEAUTIFUL ADMERS AND MUSIC DISTRICT PEEPS:

How do I even put this into words? I am forever grateful for your infinite patience and guidance. You are honest and provide such well thought out and succinct feedback. With every mistake I make, you are quick to correct me, and praise me for my bravery. I keep tripping, yet you never fail to catch me (but laughing at me first). Your dedication and commitment are inspiring. I strive to be as passionate and driven as you brilliant gems. And oh, our inside jokes and banter. Tonight, I finally internalise that there are people around me that will be there for me, no matter how busy we are. I sincerely hope that our friendship lasts  beyond graduation. No amount of words can truly express my gratefulness.

The whole day today, I was celebrated, valued and appreciated. You never left me hanging and made me feel like I was someone who had something of value to contribute. My suggestions and comments do not go unnoticed, and I am treated as equally as the rest of you, although I’ve only just joined the band.

I hope to make you proud one day (and myself too, of course).

"in 4 years, you'll be a year two uni student"

...if I heard these words when I was 16, I'd break down in gratitude.

Back in 2011, I suffered a major backlash, both in academics and emotional stability. Needless to say, it affected my self-esteem and confidence by heaps. I couldn't be bothered to carry on in life. I despised every single morning I woke up again. I didn't want my life. I didn't want to surround myself with people every day. I didn't ask for this. Nobody asked me if I could have this. Nobody should have to go through this, ever.

Relapse after relapse, I distanced myself away from the people who cared for me. I withdrew myself from everyone I knew and was instantly silenced, my voice drowned out by my own sorrow. My sadness came in waves, then tides, leaving me with no air to breathe. I couldn't swim and my legs refused to kick. My lungs shut down, dismissing my cries of oxygen. I didn't want this life. Anytime someone came hoping to rescue me, I'd force myself to sink down, lower and lower until they couldn't see me anymore.

I didn't want to be saved.

"Leave me to drown. It's not like I'm getting anywhere if I survive, anyway."

Oh no, no, no.

If I could find my sixteen year old self, I'd embrace her, tell her it's not her fault, no. You're not weak for crying. Relapse is part of recovery. You say you're not strong enough, but you'll be the strongest you've ever been. You can choose to live. Every single day is a new chance for you to grow stronger, and you will, you will, you will. You'll graduate. Your family love you. Your friends love you. You tell me they don't care, but they think of you every day. Can't you see how they're hurting seeing you like this? You say you don't care, but you do. You need to breathe and be brave. For yourself, no one else, but you.

She would have never believed, she'd jump 10 whole points when she receives her IB diploma. Two years of pain, tears and stress. It will be worth it, so worth it in the end. A university will offer her a place in their school. She'll meet new friends, who are beautiful, talented, supportive, and she'll learn that she was never alone. She has never been alone. Everyone has fought their battle. Like her, they've won.

The first year will be tough. You will suffer panic attacks. Some teachers are mean, but there are teachers who genuinely care. There will be friends who will not want your friendship, but there will be friends who will more than just your friends. They'll be your family. They'll see you cry, and no, you're not weak for crying. They know what you're going through. You'll see that you have never been alone. Not once.

Not ever.

In four years, Nurulhuda, in four years, you'll be in a place that you have never imagined to be. You've got people who admire your work. You've got friends and family who love and accept you for who you are, flaws, tears, scars and all. Your imperfections are beautiful. You'll finally accept that. You'll finally accept you.

Stay strong. Stay strong forever, and always, my love. I only have you in this life.

I love you.

Remember that.

A massive thank you to my friends, new, and old that I've met on my journey. It was a tough journey, without a doubt, and without your incredible support, I would have probably given up a long time ago. All your words have mattered more than you'll ever know. I may not have thanked you personally, but know that I love each and every one of you for the little things that you do. A kind word, a pat on my shoulder, a reassuring smile, a supportive message, long heart-to-heart chats, random gifts for no occasion. Every single gesture has not gone unnoticed. I truly appreciate everything that you have done, even though you've seen me at my worst. Even when I push you away, you never hesitate to welcome me back into your arms. You are the gems that I want to keep. Thank you. No amount of words will ever repay my eternal gratitude for your presence in my life.

"I'm a university student...what?"

School of Art, Design & Media
I took this after a climb up the hill with Mama and Dalilah.
Tiring, but this view is definitely worth the climb.

That is usually the thought that comes into my mind whenever I step into my school building in the morning. After a week, I've still not had my head wrapped round the fact that I am a university student. Time flies so fast. The last thing I knew, I was leaving primary school and starting a new chapter as a student in SOTA- now, I'm a tertiary student starting her next chapter (a four year long chapter, that is) in university.

I've never expected to be studying in uni so soon. This is probably because I've had so many change of plans regarding my future whilst in SOTA. I thought of going to a poly or taking a gap year delayed my mind's preparedness of entering a uni straight after graduating (when I say 'straight', I mean 9 months).

One day I'll get used to the fact that I am studying in a university – that I am an actual university student and I've rightfully gained my spot here in the school that I'm in.

The first week of school was good. Most of the classes were introductory – so the tutors/lecturers simply introduced the course to us and how we will be assessed throughout the semester.

Right now it feels like the calm before the storm. According to the ADM seniors I've talked to, Year 1 Sem 1 will be stressful due to the amount of projects. In Sem 2, we're allowed to "relax a little" (emphasis on the little) because we would have chosen our majors to specialise in.

In week 1, we were given two assignments for two different classes. The classes in ADM are comparable to that in SOTA. For example, 3D Foundation classes are like Sculpture, while 4D classes are like Media Arts/Ed. Of course, Foundation Drawing classes are like the drawing classes in SOTA, but in more depth and greater intensity.

From the first week, I've slowly learnt things about myself regarding university life.

❀ Preparation
Before school started, I found myself ironing sets of clothes for the first two weeks of school. Since most of my classes are in the morning, I would not have the time to get a presentable outfit together if I didn't prepare them earlier. During the recent weekend, I spent my sunday ironing more clothes and completely relishing the task.

❀ Finishing work as fast as possible!
It's good to get things out of the way, especially since I didn't know what was coming ahead of me (in terms of assignments/projects). I find myself restless if I knew I'd been given an assignment and if I'm not doing it. I think that it's good to cultivate a habit like this early in this new chapter so it becomes a constant throughout my journey here.

❀ Timing
It's extremely important that we manage our time well, especially in uni. Not just assignments, but during the day as well. On the days we have classes until the late afternoon, I'll have to use my time wisely during the free periods to eat and perform my prayers. In SOTA, it was much easier to manage this, since the musollah/surau (i.e. area to perform your prayers in/at) and classrooms are relatively nearby each other. However, this is not the case for uni. Since the ADM building has no canteen, we would have to walk a slight distance to get our lunch. This of course, takes time. Just today, for example, we only had 5 minutes to pray dhur (zohor) – and the teacher was already in class!

❀ Money
Travelling from home to uni and back is quite costly (I'm still waiting for my uni concession card to be ready for collection). Just this week I've had to top up my adult card three times. Canteen food is usually about $4.50 and the drinks are around $1.50 to $2.00. Yes, drink prices are usually around that much, but the cups that they are served in are positively small! Alhamdulillah, today, we found out how much more affordable food from the NIE canteen is. I think I'll be eating there more often!

❀ Un-learning and re-learning
Just as Mr Benjamin Slater had informed us during the ADM Freshmen Orientation, I've found myself going through the process of un-learning and re-learning.

Overall, I'm grateful for this opportunity. I also really love my class, G6. We're really bonded and we like doing everything together. Everyone is so friendly and helpful, and I truly adore this warmth we have together.

Have a good week ahead, in shaa Allah (God willing)!

Stay lovely,
Nurul xx