Syawal 1438h

...and just like that we've reached the end of Syawal. as I grew older, I realised how I just wanted to get the visiting/hosting over and done with more than I wanted to make plans with my friends/relatives. I suppose that's how our hectic lifestyles have nurtured us to be. I'm glad that this month is coming to an end. despite me not actively making plans to go visiting with the people I love/know/am close to – I still thoroughly enjoyed the festivities.

on the first day, I was apprehensive to meet my relatives again. but after the small talk, shared laughter, poses, songs, and food – I warmed up a little. as I've written before, I wanted to change my diet to a pescatarian one. that didn't go too smoothly, because I was served food with meat. I didn't refuse it, but I did do a good job avoiding other meat options that weren't fish.

towards the end of the day, our family got to know that my maternal cousins would be visiting our place. despite our weariness, we pulled through and made sure that our place was tidy and that the food we served was prepped.

I did, however lapse back into a state of sadness when I found out the truth behind certain people on the first night of Syawal. they were people I looked up to, and to know they had made certain choices affected me. I had to let go, of course. I slept with such unease and misery, but woke up feeling a little lighter with the remnants of sorrow left in my heart.

but that's life.

I've had to make tough decisions based on how the people around me made me feel, so I don't have to question their actions. there are many times when I've missed a certain distant friend, but I can't really do much about it because of our past/history.

"Even in those darkest moments where you feel the most alone, you have to remember that the people who left you, left you for a reason. Sure, some people get back together after a period of separation, and sometimes they end up happier than ever. But every time you miss something about that person/those people, think about two things you hated. If the things you hated add up to more than the things you likes, it's time to let go."

and let go I did.

my mother recently told my sister, "when something/someone is taken away from you, Allah will replace it with something/someone better."

countless of times that statement had proved itself to be true in my timeline.

so, I'm grateful.

our second day of Syawal was good. I was exhausted, but I kept pushing on. I let myself enjoy the sweeter moments of our day, while holding onto the conversations that struck out to me. as promised (to myself), I started a Syawal journal. it was the same journal I started using back during the CNY period. back then, I had insta-storied several of my doodles/comics and tagged my cousins. they found it hilarious, of course, knowing me and my antics when it came to capturing our relationship.

I wrote out what felt important, and I'm glad that I did.

when our family left one of the houses earlier so that we could go back to our place to continue getting ready, my older sister and I took the opportunity to take our OOTD shots. looking back at those photos now, I can see how worried I looked.

goodness.

our cousins came over, and I grabbed the chance to take photo booth shots on my macbook (thank you boyfriend. once again, you've proved yourself worthy. I usually use my mac for candid shots – as seen on my first day and twelfth day post on instagram.).

other key events that occurred during Syawal were:

1. Masjid Darul Makmur Perjumpaan Raya

it was a gathering for all the teachers to bond. we met new staff members, and played games. the food was just oh my goodness I cannot. it was all too good.

2. the Queen's birthday

my Mama's birthday! if you saw my insta stories on that day, you'd remember that my mother and I carried out a plan. because Swensen's has an offer for those celebrating their birthday (you get a free ice-cream/discount), Mama told me to get my younger sister food first before meeting her there.

perks of living next to a mall. heh!

we ordered the food I was going to eat, and she left to go tutor (after passing my younger sister the food that I got her first).

I thoroughly enjoyed my meal and the ice cream, paid, and left for home.

afterwards, we went back to Ang Mo Kio because our tenants had promised us that they would treat Mama because it was her birthday. the food was so good and the portions were huge I kid you not. we had to pack most of what we ordered.

what was even cuter was how they got her a cake (her favourite flavour – which also happens to be mine) and played the happy birthday song over the speaker. so adorable.

3. Cousin's Jalan Raya

my older sister and I wanted to join our maternal cousins for their jalan raya, so I applied for leave (otherwise I'd be working from afternoon to evening). I got to wear the last of my set of clothes we purchased for Eid, and the two of us joined the remaining cousins who were still visiting.

we couldn't join them in the morning because my older sister still had class, so by the time we reached our cousin's house, there were only a few houses left.

it was really fun though! we went over to our aunt's house again, but this time my nieces and nephews joined us. her father (my cousin) suggested that she asked me for help for one of her art assignments. it was super adorable having to colour with her in the place I saw her grew up in.

memories of her as a tiny baby came back, and I reminisced how lovely our childhoods were.

...

throughout the entire month, I got to savour how everyone celebrated Eid (thank you social media). It was lovely to know that the people dear to me spent their time well, even if I wasn't able to join them. I received reminders from the ones who cared about me, and that was really heartwarming.

I got to spend time with my best friend who always looked out for me. I gladly accepted her invites to accompany her to Malaysia, and those trips were so refreshing.

I managed to finish my manuscripts, and I'm currently in the midst of making minor edits and drawing their accompanying illustrations. it took me a while, but relishing the joy that came with finishing a story really is something.

everything seems to be looking well so far, and Alhamdulillah for that.

still homesick for the hearts who have held me before,

nurulhuda

Reaching July

how is it the seventh month of the year already? the year I turn twenty-two (although I already am twenty-two in the islamic calendar) has been really amazing and meaningful so far. by the time I reached july, I thought I would have been done with all the stories (including the illustrations/covers) that I owe my publishers, I'll be re-starting the next semester as a year two student in NTU, ADM, and I'll be (I was about to write financially stable) pocket strong (as one of my auntie besties/ex-colleague from Singapore Art Museum once told me).

I wrote a letter to june, and I wanted it to be month of healing. it was, and I am so, so grateful. growing up isn't easy – but I made it out alive and well. my education/academic path seems uncertain for now, and that's fine. after explaining my situation to a closer soul sister from school, she assured me, "...and don't worry, there's more than just one path in life. isn't that what makes life interesting."

that's true.

I may not even be graduating from NTU, and that's okay.

I've been recalling conversations that I had with my foundation classmates during freshman year – and how several classmates had to struggle with their pre-tertiary education before attaining a spot in university.

I always told them how I never wanted to be in ADM, because I never wanted to pursue a degree in the arts.

"six years in SOTA was enough. I grew to hate what I love, and to take a bachelors degree in the arts was the last thing I wanted to do."

but back then I had limited options. my international baccalaureate diploma score wasn't the most amazing – yet, I was offered a spot in this school – so I accepted it. initially, I wanted to take my diploma in Early Childhood Education/Psychology at Ngee Ann Poly, then continue taking my bachelor's degree in Early Childhood Education at Singapore Institute of Technology (because the IB diploma could not qualify for the course offered at SIT).

now there is an option to pursue what I've always wanted to: a bachelor's degree in Early Childhood at Singapore University of Social Sciences.

I suppose that the events that have unfolded in my life so far can be taken as blessings in disguise. when I had my Girls Day In with my closer girlfriends from SOTA, one of them told me that my parent's decision to make me continue my tertiary education locally was a good thing. I know how advanced the Early Childhood Education scene is in Sydney and Melbourne – but my parents discouraged me from applying to overseas university for the sake of my mental health.

back when we were SOTA students and attaining our IB diploma was our priority (because we only had our PSLE and a "completion-of-four-years-secondary-education" certificate), my girls disliked that I wanted to go to a polytechnic, instead of a university.

"no, you would already have a diploma – so you should just further your studies in a university!"

when I got my results I was pleased with my progress – but I had certain conversations that brought my self-esteem down (leading to my severe depression, and the panic/anxiety attacks that came with it). I was so upset when ADM offered me a place in their school, but grateful, so I followed my parents advice and took it.

of course, I was overcome by insecurities by my fear of the unknown, but having heard stories from the people I met during my freshman orientation camp eased my state of being. we confided in each other and I learnt how they too, had to overcome their fair share of struggles to get to where they want to be.

if I hadn't gone to university, I wouldn't have met the people who become my friends. these strangers who share their load and burdens with me because we grow to trust each other inevitably become my family. and of course, I've had to come to terms with the people who have made the choice to leave me.

looking back at my life, and at the people who have come and gone – I can say for certain that everything does happen for a reason. whether that reason is clear to us or not (or the truth behind those reasons will be revealed eventually), everything in life has shaped us into the people that we are today.

I still remember the words I've read on the pages/wordpress/blogs from other individuals who have made an impact on my life as a fellow writer and human being. we've all changed – sometimes those changes are more obvious, while other changes that we observe are more subtle.

change is the only constant in this life, and it's necessary for growth.

we all have it in us to change ourselves for the better.

this Ramadan has certainly taught me how much I need to work on myself. the things I wanted to get done were finished – but there are things that I've yet to complete. we all have our limitations, flaws, and imperfections – those are the qualities that make us human.

this is the first of several blog posts I will be publishing this month (for I am swamped with writing at the moment). look out for the next few: those specifically for Syawal, and others based on the conversations I've had around love.

homesick for the warmth of my soul family,

this writer still writing,

nurulhuda.

"in 4 years, you'll be a year two uni student"

...if I heard these words when I was 16, I'd break down in gratitude.

Back in 2011, I suffered a major backlash, both in academics and emotional stability. Needless to say, it affected my self-esteem and confidence by heaps. I couldn't be bothered to carry on in life. I despised every single morning I woke up again. I didn't want my life. I didn't want to surround myself with people every day. I didn't ask for this. Nobody asked me if I could have this. Nobody should have to go through this, ever.

Relapse after relapse, I distanced myself away from the people who cared for me. I withdrew myself from everyone I knew and was instantly silenced, my voice drowned out by my own sorrow. My sadness came in waves, then tides, leaving me with no air to breathe. I couldn't swim and my legs refused to kick. My lungs shut down, dismissing my cries of oxygen. I didn't want this life. Anytime someone came hoping to rescue me, I'd force myself to sink down, lower and lower until they couldn't see me anymore.

I didn't want to be saved.

"Leave me to drown. It's not like I'm getting anywhere if I survive, anyway."

Oh no, no, no.

If I could find my sixteen year old self, I'd embrace her, tell her it's not her fault, no. You're not weak for crying. Relapse is part of recovery. You say you're not strong enough, but you'll be the strongest you've ever been. You can choose to live. Every single day is a new chance for you to grow stronger, and you will, you will, you will. You'll graduate. Your family love you. Your friends love you. You tell me they don't care, but they think of you every day. Can't you see how they're hurting seeing you like this? You say you don't care, but you do. You need to breathe and be brave. For yourself, no one else, but you.

She would have never believed, she'd jump 10 whole points when she receives her IB diploma. Two years of pain, tears and stress. It will be worth it, so worth it in the end. A university will offer her a place in their school. She'll meet new friends, who are beautiful, talented, supportive, and she'll learn that she was never alone. She has never been alone. Everyone has fought their battle. Like her, they've won.

The first year will be tough. You will suffer panic attacks. Some teachers are mean, but there are teachers who genuinely care. There will be friends who will not want your friendship, but there will be friends who will more than just your friends. They'll be your family. They'll see you cry, and no, you're not weak for crying. They know what you're going through. You'll see that you have never been alone. Not once.

Not ever.

In four years, Nurulhuda, in four years, you'll be in a place that you have never imagined to be. You've got people who admire your work. You've got friends and family who love and accept you for who you are, flaws, tears, scars and all. Your imperfections are beautiful. You'll finally accept that. You'll finally accept you.

Stay strong. Stay strong forever, and always, my love. I only have you in this life.

I love you.

Remember that.

A massive thank you to my friends, new, and old that I've met on my journey. It was a tough journey, without a doubt, and without your incredible support, I would have probably given up a long time ago. All your words have mattered more than you'll ever know. I may not have thanked you personally, but know that I love each and every one of you for the little things that you do. A kind word, a pat on my shoulder, a reassuring smile, a supportive message, long heart-to-heart chats, random gifts for no occasion. Every single gesture has not gone unnoticed. I truly appreciate everything that you have done, even though you've seen me at my worst. Even when I push you away, you never hesitate to welcome me back into your arms. You are the gems that I want to keep. Thank you. No amount of words will ever repay my eternal gratitude for your presence in my life.